My empire of dirt...

So I finally got to see Rachel yesterday. Those of you who've been reading the blog know that I've been waiting to hear from her since she left Simon and that I've been concerned about her, as well as my growing fear that she and I were growing apart. Well, it's finally happened: I got dumped.

The long version of the story is this: When I found out that Rachel had left Simon, I called her immediately and, not being able to get her on the phone, I emailed her, letting her know that I would be supportive of whatever decision she made, regardless of the outcome. I even offered her not only a place to stay, but rides to and from Barrie while she was sorting everything out. Her response was that she needed time away from the city and those she knew here. I told her that I was willing to give her the time she needed, as long as she didn't spend it beating herself up and would check in occasionally. What followed was a month of me trying sporadically to get in touch with her via email and phone and the odd response from her.

In the meantime, not having heard from her what she would like, Cos and I began keeping Simon company, hanging out and just being generally goofy. Like in the old days, except for the giant pink elephant in the room that we rarely talked about. I'm not going to say her name never came up, but often I would just leave the conversation if anything too heavy was happening. Not to say that there was a lot of malice floating around, we all had the expression of accident shock victims whenever the subject turned to Rachel and what had happened. None of us really understands, you see. The odd time that I didn't leave conversations, my sole statement was that I wanted to hear her story from her point of view and that I really didn't know what I thought.

So yesterday Rachel was in town and invited me out to coffee. I knew, from the infrequency of her emails and phone calls, that this was probably going to be the last time I saw her. My suspicions grew when she asked if her sister Chelsea could come along. I haven't seen my best friend in a month, nor have I really talked to her, and she wants to bring along her sister. Her sister whom she's seen semi-regularly since everything went down. Her sister who hasn't had a lot of niceness for me since sometime in June, and less since I offended her back at the beginning of September. But what could I do? I said alright.

Everything was confirmed when I arrived at the coffee shop and saw sitting behind Rachel two bags full of what I knew to be books, movies and clothes I had leant to each of them. And by the fact that when I suggested Rachel and I go outside for a smoke, Chelsea voluntarily moved the entire party outside.

So I chatted on for a bit, about 20 minutes, about my new job, Rach's new job, Chels' new boss and so on, waiting for Rachel to at least look me in the eye for a moment. Finally, Chels went inside to pee and I was alone with Rachel for the first time since my first week back in the city.

"I really missed you, you know." I said.

She smiled and said that she'd really missed me, too.

"Can we do this more often?" I asked.

"I'm thinking not so much." She answered. I said something about knowing that she was only in town every other weekend, but that I'd like some of that time to be spent with me. She proceeded to tell me that she no longer felt comfortable.

"With me?" I asked. Keep in mind, I was pretty sure that this was a blow-off. I never really thought that she could ever be uncomfortable with me, though. I mean, we'd told eachother things that were just far too embarassing to tell anyone else, ever. Comfort didn't really feel like an issue to me.

It was an issue to her, though.

The story is this: She no longer feels comfortable being friends with me because she's "heard through the grapevine" that I'm still hanging out with Simon. A couple things to point out here: There isn't really a grapevine. She doesn't talk to Simon or Dan or myself and I don't talk to Chelsea. We don't really know anyone else in common, at least not people that I've talked to since everything happened. By "grapevine," I can only assume she means my blog.

"Grapevine" implies that I was being sneaky about something, hiding my association with Simon from her, except that I've posted it in my blog, which I know she reads, and would have told her if I'd been given the opportunity to talk to her. In fact, during the one conversation I had with her while she's been away that lasted over two minutes, I did mention it to her. I also told her that I would respect any requests she had, including giving her time away from all of us so she could heal and feel better about herself. At no time did she ask me to not talk to Simon, although to hear her talk yesterday, she'd begged me not to (Or maybe just assumed I wouldn't.) And after I mentioned that I'd been talking to Simon, I asked her "We're still good, right?" To which she replied "What's happened between me and Simon has nothing to do with you and me." Apparently not.

The thing to keep in mind is that Rachel disappeared. I mean, I knew there were problems in the relationship, but every indication was that she was going to try some more to work it out. Her leaving came as a huge surprise to many people who were close to her. And since that came as such a surprise, I really didn't know how to react. So I did what seemed logical to me: Give Rachel room and help Simon through what I could only imagine was a hard time for him. I never thought I was stepping on anybody's toes, and actually thought Rachel, who had so many people rallying around her at the time, would be happy to know that Simon wasn't completely alone.

I made it very clear that Rachel was still my best friend and I couldn't judge her for what had happened. I knew that she'd been hurting, and I've never been in her situation, or her head, and it's really impossible to judge a situation that I've never experienced. I'd already decided that as her best friend, my position was not to judge, regardless of whether I liked, could condone, understand or even know what the situation was. I mean, that's what best friends do, right? Love, with no conditions. And that's what I was doing.

But apparently that wasn't enough. It hurts Rachel to have ties to Simon. I told her that I'd already managed to separate the two of them in my mind and that one had nothing to do with the other. She said that she wasn't able to do that where I was concerned. She didn't feel able to share her innermost thoughts with me anymore, as she felt I'd report them back to Simon, and that if she couldn't share everything with me, she wasn't going to share anything with me. I've never even so much as told Cos her deepest thoughts, worries, issues, or whatever. I wouldn't ever bring them to Simon.

So while we're sitting there crying, Chelsea comes back and watches the proceedings. At some point, Rachel tells me that she wanted this meeting, because we'd been so close and she felt she owed me at least that much respect, instead of just disappearing into the ether. I'd like to state for the record, that respect would have been to come to me, directly, without Chelsea. Chelsea doesn't like me, and I'm sure found the whole thing to be my fault, or at least entertaining. I don't know why Chelsea was there, really. I'm not exactly violent, and I know that I can't change someone's mind once it's made up, so I wouldn't have made more of a scene than I did (I do consider crying in public to be a bit of a scene). I also would have liked the respect of privacy.

I would also have liked the respect of not having to have Chels hug me and tell me to take care of myself. Chels, I feel, has always tried to guard Rachel against me and became very bitter last June when things were escalating between Rachel and Simon, especially when Rachel came to me to talk things out. It never seemed to occur to Chels that Rachel probably only came to me first because Chels was out of town, or that it didn't matter to me who Rachel was closer to, as long as I was one of the closest. A final indignity: Standing there, crying, and Chels telling me in an all-too-cheerful way "Say hi to Cosmo for me!" What? You've just witnessed the dissolvement of my closest friendship and you think my boyfriend will rush to call you up? You've just taken part in what can only be called a public and embarassing ambush, and you expect my boyfriend to be glad that you mentioned him? Please, like I told you in September, get the fuck over yourself.

I also hate the feeling that as soon as I walked off, Chels was all over Rachel, cuddling and soothing her, "There-thereing" her and going on about what a bitch I am and how Rach is better off without me. While I walked off down Danforth snivelling and semi-sobbing with too much stuff in my hands. Alone.

To my credit, I feel that I left with dignity. Rachel told me that right now was about her, making herself feel better and making sure she was comfortable. To which I responded "I'm really sorry, there's nothing more to say, I guess. And I've told you all along that I want you to feel better. Having said that, would you mind terribly if I left now?" I gathered up my stuff, hugging her one last time and walked off down the road.

Rach, I know you've been looking at the blog today. You're more than welcome to do so, of course. In fact, I'd like you to if you feel like you can. You'll find I'm not going to malign you here, you've meant too much to me to do that, and I'm not mad, just hurt. Keep in mind, you know the stories, you're not the first friend to make me feel like I've been fucked over unfairly. And I want you to understand that I don't feel you're being fair. Not to me and not to yourself. You wouldn't believe the lengths I've gone to not to discuss you with others, out of respect for your feelings as well as theirs and mine. But you wouldn't let me explain that to you yesterday, and frankly, I was too shocked by your methods to say anything to you in my defense. I hope you find what you're looking for and patch up whatever damage has been done in your life. I hope that you end up with everything you want. And I hope you remember this:

I love you.

Goodbye.